it’s been a while since I’ve written here. I always say I’m going to and then get caught up in everything else going on in the world, in my life, in my head.
I’ve been going through a whirlwind of emotions these past few months and truthfully–i should have written about, should’ve shared and let it out instead of harboring it all in and waiting for my self-destruction.
I went through a period where I had given up on my joy. I had given up thinking that I would ever truly feel happy or BE ENOUGH. I’ve struggled with this my whole life and i think I just reached a point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired (I’m sure many can relate). I just want to note that even through all of that, i still could shout to the mountains that GOD IS GOOD. He is immensely good and has never given up on me or any of us; I just could not feel the light or hold on to joy. Keep in mind that I was feeling this low as I was fasting and trying to surrender my flesh to God.
I was still obedient to my fast, praying frequently and reading my world daily but I just felt almost crippled and helpless. I was crying out for help from people in ambiguous ways, but no one was answering so I gave up. Like He always does, God got me through it. If there is one thing I have learned about walking with God is that it is ALL about the hills and valleys–and quite often there are more hills than valleys. God got me through it and I have to say—i don’t think I will ever get rid of that sadness I’ve carried with me for years–but I think I came out so much stronger in my heart and in my walk with God as a result.
He is abundantly good and I choose to walk and honor Him with ALL OF ME. I wanted to talk today mostly about what it means to walk with him. God has had a plan for us long before our parents even knew we were a part of the plan. Quite often we make choices based on what is comfortable for us and what we WANT God to have chosen for us. Lately, I think that God has really been leading me on a path to fulfill the goal that He has for me. One night during my 4 am homework nights, I dozed off and then woke up to a man preaching. One thing he said that caught my ears was
What you love to do is a sign of the gift or tools you need to complete your mission.
I’ve known for a long time that God’s will for me is to do something really big and impact a lot of people, but I never knew how. I’ve worked my whole life doing service which is my biggest interest. Lately though, He has been placing things in front of me that I would never usually do and lining things up for me to get me to where i NEED to be. Let me just note that…these things are NOT AT ALL, things that I would EVER choose for myself.
God is leading me against my normal conventions and challenging me to honor Him and follow Him without looking back and even though it is against my grain. When God knows that we prefer path A, He will choose path B for us –in spite of us. The challenge is answering that call—even when it is hard. It is against our nature and makes us uncomfortable sometimes to do those things but in order to truly live for Him, we have to take up His cross and follow.
I was talking to my basketball coach/spiritual teacher/friend today and I asked him that
when a new direction in your life feels uncomfortable and against your grain, how do you know when to follow it?
He told me that it first takes examining your actions in the moment with God. Are you in your word? Are you praying without ceasing? Are you truly in your heart wanting to live for Him? If you are truly living for Him and know what He wants for His children, you will see if this is where He is leading you to and when it is from God, we as His children MUST follow.
Talking to him really assured me and gave me a new perspective into my mission and the things that God has put in my life whether obvious or not to get me there. It’s not always easy to tell what God wants of us but through prayer, strict devotion and commitment to the word and paying close attention to what the intent behind out actions are, makes it a little easier.
And I realized that sometimes when i get in my sad mood, it is so comfortable for me to prolong my misery and manifest thoughts in my head to make it even worse–but in the same accord i have to follow the path of mos resistance when it comes to doing God’s will. Choose joy even when I don’t want to, choose His path even when it is hard.