I must say that today presented it’s own set of challenges. It felt like hunger was pulling at me, like it was all I could think of. I found myself gravitating more and more to the clock begging–pleading for the day to be over so that I could eat. I even got feelings of an incoming headache and my mood turned sour as a result.
I felt angry at nothing and everything. I did not have the energy to carry conversations or talk to people. For the first time, I actually had free time in my schedule and it was the last thing I wanted because all I could think of was the fact that I couldn’t eat. I went and even googled “how to make it through a spiritual fast” i know —but guys i was desperate ok! –and then I happened to find this book “A Hunger for God: Desiring God Through Fasting and Prayer” by John Piper and it put it all into perspective. I think finding the book was exactly what God wanted me to see.
Though I did not get too far into the book, I read the message from Francis Chan and David Platt and some quotes from those who wrote reviews about the book and they really spoke to me.
” We are a culture of abundance that indulges and abuses” – what does that mean? It means we are given so much but it is never enough for us. We have so much but are never satisfied always yearning for things that are not meant for us. Reading this kept me grounded.
“Sometimes we “earnestly seek” after things from God rather than God himself”. Reading this made sense, perfect sense. Even I, who claims to be thirsting for God has found myself asking for Him to do things for me continuously instead of asking how I can better serve Him. Yes God gives us whatever we need but we have to show Him that we WANT HIM and unfortunately His power is taken for granted too often by all of us.
The one verse that really hit home for me and changed my whole outlook on the day was this: “More than our stomachs want food, our souls want you.”
Here I was wallowing in self pity because my stomach was growling…but wasn’t the point of this fast FOR HIM? In that moment, I saw myself wanting food more than anything. more than conversation, more than His word, more than HIM. AND THAT’S WRONG. It should ALWAYS be about God, but in a world consumed by “I” i lost sight of Him. I couldn’t even defend my purpose for doing the fast because in that moment it was about me, not His grace, His will or the footsteps He had so intricately set forth for me. With that I reeled it back in, grounded myself and most importantly asked for forgiveness.
I know I have a long ways to go on this journey to truly know God and serve Him but hope that my ability to realize where I fell short puts me just one step closer to changing my heart and feeding my Spirit.