day 6

black-number-6-framed-wall-art-15_1As my week comes to an  end, i find denying myself food to be that much easier but most importantly I find my dependence and thanks to God to be greater. God does so much for me alone but for everyone in this world. It’s such a shame that we cannot give him the praise that he deserves.

Honestly, it has just been in my heart to give God thanks, true thanks for every single thing He has done for all of us because He surely didn’t have to.

I pray that I continue to grow in my willpower and that the things that I let consume me hereby diminish. God is molding me but I think it is about time I answered His calls and served in obedience not in self-fulfillment.

As I give thanks though, I also wanted to take a moment to ask for forgiveness from our God. It is so easy to get swayed by the messages told in this world and sometimes I lose focus of Him and I act out of anger, fear of judgment or even selfishness. This cannot be done for a God who has done so much for me alone! I also feel as if this week God has given me the free time to be invested in my word and even get ahead in my schoolwork but unfortunately I did not use the time wisely. SO i just ask for the Lord’s forgiveness that He may continue to prune away my downfalls, make me new and help me to learn from my errors. Most importantly, I pray His heart remains forever pure, that He may never give up on us!

day 5

d19902528d21bcf06fa43ccfc4e89cf1It seems as though every day gets a little easier. I think today, it became no longer about the food but about the fast. Yes, I still had food on the brain because honestly—when don’t i? But I find myself not worrying about the clock or about the fact that I had to wait to eat, all I was considered about was making the most out of my day.

Today I had the opportunity to serve not once, but twice. In the morning I went to a high school in Baltimore City and got the opportunity to meet some ninth grade students and do some college readiness activities with them. I won’t lie, the job of working with this population can be a headache and a half but the experience filled my spirit. We haven’t even begun to crack the surface yet but I know that with consistency and the care we show the students, some of them can realize their potential and reach for it.

My second opportunity was going to homeless shelter for women and children that I volunteer at biweekly. Today was a carefree day and what I appreciated most was truly getting to know some of the children by names and personality and even being able to give them lessons and advice. It may have been nothing to them but it was such a great feeling to be around them (even though they know how to tire a girl out!) Silly as it sounds, I randomly taught some of the children what  omnivore/carnivore/herbivores were and why sometime’s it is better to mind your own business in order to stay out of trouble. I’m not sure if m messages were received the way I wanted but the chance that God even allowed me to be there to do so is something to bow down and give Him thanks for.

When it came to reading my verses for the day I tried so hard but fatigue consumed me once again and I fell asleep in the middle of my reading and analysis (i hate when i do that!). BUT i did get through one important verse:

“Nevertheless…the Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord your God loves you.” Deuteronomy 23:5

This reminded me of the incomprehensible love that God has for us. Despite of our shortcomings and our faults and the way we turn away from Him, God is always there to welcome us back with open arms if we are willing to except all of Him . And I thought to myself, God has done ALL of this for us and all that He asks is for us to devote more of us to Him and we cannot even do that. It makes me sad for the state of our hearts that we are so concerned with self that God doesn’t even get put in the back burner but in the empty corner of the attic.

Though i got a lot out of just this one verse, I wish I would have read more of God’s word and been more focused and attuned to it.

Tomorrow I pray for the ability to focus and take in more of God’s word. I pray to keep my priorities aligned with God’s will for my life and that I may no longer feel as though I fall short or as if there is something else I need in life in order to feel whole. He should be all I need.

day 4

20-channel-4-logo-getExhaustion was the theme of the day. I seemed like for a majority of the day I was just fighting to keep my eyes open and to remain focused. I found myself going back and forth with the selfishness I was talking about yesterday: focusing on food and the time instead of God or growth. Regardless of your faith, we should all know that this life is all about growth, it is all about moments and what we make out of them. Though I slipped up from time to time, I found myself catching myself and making me reel it back in when I was getting a little melancholy about my own “sad circumstance” –plays tiniest violin.

But yeah today was a little bit of a challenge not because of my Spirit but because physically I was exhausted. Idk, maybe it is because I had a full workout on an empty stomach? hmm…could be . BUT ANYWAYS, I was definitely feeling low and weak but I must say I would not have gotten through it had it not been for God filling my with joy, laughter and His strength enveloping me. Self control is something very powerful in my opinion and I felt mine growing more and more when it was 8 pm and I could finally eat but I chose instead to take my time, sit down and read  “Hunger for God”

Here are some quotes that really spoke to me today as I was reading.

“The weakness of our hunger for God is not because He is unsavory, but because we keep ourselves stuffed with “other things”.       —As sad as it is i can attest with this. I try to fill my plate up with involvement, friends, work, volunteer opportunities, Smallville (lovelovelove), and of course physical food that there is only a sliver left for God.

With that idea, I read : “What we hunger for most, we worship”. This struck me as very eye-opening because it speaks to my and each one of our passions. How easy is it for the entrepreneur to speak of their new business venture with pride and excitement? How easy is it for the artist to speak of the depth and passion that went into their display? How easy is it for me to speak of all the wonderful things I am doing on campus or to defend Kanye, or stick up for my sister or spend a whole day watching Smallville? (pretty easy honestly), but how hard is it for me to spend more than an hour in my 24 hour day, reading my verses or talking to God. That is a pure example of where many of us fall short when it comes to giving all of ourselves to God.

That is just food for thought about where we are on our journey with God. It’s a difficult trek but the final destination is pure bliss. Keep striving for a heart that wants more of God and pray that I TOO can be pruned to want more of Him. I want to end with these two quotes from the book:

” [The fact that] I could even attempt my journey us owing to God’s grace, which I live on every day. ”

“When God is the supreme hunger of our hearts, he will be supreme in everything.”

 

day 3

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I must say that today presented it’s own set of challenges. It felt like hunger was pulling at me, like it was all I could think of. I found myself gravitating more and more to the clock begging–pleading for the day to be over so that I could eat. I even got feelings of an incoming headache and my mood turned sour as a result.

I felt angry at nothing and everything. I did not have the energy to carry conversations or talk to people. For the first time, I actually had free time in my schedule and it was the last thing I wanted because all I could think of was the fact that I couldn’t eat. I went and even googled “how to make it through a spiritual fast” i know  —but guys i was desperate ok! –and then I happened to find this book “A Hunger for God: Desiring God Through Fasting and Prayer” by John Piper and it put it all into perspective. I think finding the book was exactly what God wanted me to see.

Though I did not get too far into the book, I read the message from Francis Chan and David Platt and some quotes from those who wrote reviews about the book and they really spoke to me.

” We are a culture of abundance that indulges and abuses” – what does that mean? It means we are given so much but it is never enough for us. We have so much but are never satisfied always yearning for things that are not meant for us. Reading this kept me grounded.

“Sometimes we “earnestly seek” after things from God rather than God himself”. Reading this made sense, perfect sense. Even I, who claims to be thirsting for God has found myself asking for Him to do things for me continuously instead of asking how I can better serve Him. Yes God gives us whatever we need but we have to show Him that we WANT HIM and unfortunately His power is taken for granted too often by all of us.

The one verse that really hit home for me and changed my whole outlook on the day was this: “More than our stomachs want food, our souls want you.”

Here I was wallowing in self pity because my stomach was growling…but wasn’t the point of this fast FOR HIM? In that moment, I saw myself wanting food more than anything. more than conversation, more than His word, more than HIM. AND THAT’S WRONG. It should ALWAYS be about God, but in a world consumed by “I” i lost sight of Him. I couldn’t even defend my purpose for doing the fast because in that moment it was about me, not His grace, His will or the footsteps He had so intricately set forth for me. With that I reeled it back in, grounded myself and most importantly asked for forgiveness.

I know I have a long ways to go on this journey to truly know God and serve Him but hope that my ability to realize where I fell short puts me just one step closer to changing my heart and feeding my Spirit.

why i rise

I’m spreading my thoughts and words to the world because simply put…I can relate– and if I can’t relate, I can attest to your pain, your struggle your triumph. 

I wanted to create this blog to show something to others that is much bigger than me. I want to share that happiness is not just a feeling, sometimes happiness is a choices– a hard choice at that. 

I know, sometimes it seems as if the world is against you and like happiness is a fleeting memory but I’ve proven to myself that in the midst of it all, it is possible to choose joy. It takes tears, it takes pain but it is possible, even on the hard days

Cliché as it sounds, I would love to show people who feel the same way I often do that they aren’t alone. I don’t know why I am the way I am. Why I get into spouts of sadness, why I isolate myself and shut out everyone who loves me. That is my narrative, but I refuse to let the ink dry with that as my final story. 

I hope through my words, I can give someone something to keep them afloat. So get your jumbled words out- laugh, cry, vent, but don’t give up.

day 2

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So  i must say today was definitely a different outcome from yesterday. I knew from the moment that I woke up that something was different. I woke up feeling like there was a cloud looming over me. I don’t know I can’t quite describe it, but I used to get into the mood very frequently and it would often consume me but by God’s grace I’ve learned to not let it take over my life and relationships.

When I feel that way, it is as if I want to give everything up and just cease to exist–overdramatic? yeah probably but that’s how I see it. I felt it the moment I woke up and I was scared. I am supposed to be worshiping and praising God but here I am feeling pity for my own self. The only thing I could do was pray and humble myself. I asked God for strength and for Him to reshift my focus, so that my eyes look to Him when I feel this way. I reminded myself that I was only feeling this way because what I am trying to achieve with this fast is something that the world does not want to achieve. I had to remind myself of God’s goodness and how much I lose from straying away from His embrace. HE kept me grounded, I had to think of the joyful things, they beauty in this world that was created by Him.

I must say that today I was not as busy and so the fast was MUCH harder. With little distractions by eyes gravitated towards the fridge and the clock, but I pray that in time I learn to deny my flesh all the more. I pray that HE continues to humble me and strengthen me so that I am better equip to do HIS will. I pray for mercy and the challenges that will surely come and that I should be strong enough to overcome them. Tomorrow is a new day, we go back to school and our daily schedules but I pray that with less time in my schedule I still devote multiple moments to HIM.

I pray for all those out there who long to get close to Him or for those who have fallen from His grasp. I pray they all may find their way back to His love before their time is up. I pray He gives me the ability to speak BOLDLY of HIM and live by His word and His will.

Amen.

day 1

Today has been the first day of my fast, and though I have done a fast before –i pray this one is different. During this first day, I have been able to spend the majority of the day alone. Free from schedules, free from classes, free from overthinking. It was a humbling feeling–I’ve never felt lighter or free to do whatever my heart desired.

What I want to talk about today though, is what i hope to gain from my fast. It seems to me as if I’ve gotten comfortable with the relationship that I have with God. I’ve spent a large part of this year thinking that I was well on my way as a Christian but I know it’s not enough to simply say the words if my words are not in accordance with my actions. Through this fast, I pray that God humbles me, I also pray that He gives me the strength to speak boldly and honestly about Him. I want to be a person who TRULY puts Him first. I want to defend His honor as I would defend any good friend of mine or a family member I love dearly. I’m sick of living a life where I put Him in the back-burner or treat Him as an afterthought when He should run through my mind all throughout the day. I want to gain that drive and that passion for Him.

I pray that through this fast, He may give me to courage, strength, boldness and love I need to serve Him. Day 2 awaits, pray for me!